I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
