I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
