I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
