We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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