You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
