he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
