I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
