I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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