Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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