My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
