We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Are my feet made of real feet?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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