I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
