I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
