Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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