Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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