so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
50% drunk capacity currently
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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