The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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