he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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