Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
