I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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