In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize