My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
