I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
