I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
