Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
