So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
