Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
