tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
