i just sent this text using only my big toe
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
