Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
