SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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