I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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