dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I need water and some morals
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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