I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
