dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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