ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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