we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
