and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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