I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
