More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
