paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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