he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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