Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
