I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
