Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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