Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
