Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
