More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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