how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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