Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
