Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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