Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
