this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
