I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
